Phyllis Hyman living in Confusion(video)

My introduction to Phyllis Hyman was Spike Lee’s movie School Daze. She’s singing at the homecoming dance with her black angular hat, shoulder padded black dress that contrasted her caramel-cream colored skin but what I was drawn to were her eyes. They just seem to carry such sadness. In my teen years, my Uncle Glenn told me that she was a person you listened to when you’re hearts been ripped into a million pieces. I told him I thought Sade was the singer you listened to when love has gone wrong. His response was that Sade is who you make love to Phyllis Hyman is who you cry to.

Over the years I would hear her on the radio every now and then or read an article talking about her untimely death or her underrated diva status. But it’s only been recently that I’ve started to seek out her music. On a slow day at work I was watching You Tube clips and saw her perform at a Tribute to Gladys Knight with Melba Moore. This lead to watching other videos and live performances. Living in Confusion was stuck in my head for days and may be rightly so. My current romantic situation or quest for romance was 'in confusion.'

In my twenties, I never really worried about romance or looking to be in a relationship I was all about my friends, partying, grad school, and delaying having to grow up. I had a relationship with a man I thought was The One but it didn’t work out. I’m good at attracting men who are into me, find me fascinating but only sexually. Recently I’ve met a man who ignites this lustful flame in me but is not ‘relationship’ material. And then there is someone I want to be with and I think he wants to be with me too but I am too afraid to think about it, love has gone wrong so many times how would handle it if this was right? Maybe there is something to be said about sad love songs. There is a clip of Phyllis Hyman from the Arsenio Hall Show and she talks about how she prefers to sing sad love songs. I’m not saying I prefer to be in sad love situations but it’s all I know. I am desperately trying to find the courage to be in successful one.

Sade - Smooth Operator

There are very few voices that stop people in their tracks. Sade Adu is one of them. Her breathy understated alto is a slowly seductive force. I first heard this song while my mom was cleaning the house. We had just moved from the third floor of 71 Center Street to the first floor. My mom would turn the radio to 92 Pro-FM and sing along while she picked up our latest mess. My sister, Della and I were in elementary school (me second grade and Dela was in first) and my mother was attending community college while my stepfather worked in the kitchen at the Veterans Hospital.

During the summer of the Diamond Life album a new channel called V66, a local version of MTV. There began my obsession with music. With a big black and white TV on the dresser in our room Dela and I would wait for our favorite videos to be played. The Smooth Operator video was our favorite. To two little black girls, Sade represented breathtaking beauty; she was like a doll that came to life. At the time, we were too young to understand what the song or video was about. All we knew was that we wanted to emulate this beauty and her voice. With our hairbrushes in hand we would sing the words (or what we thought the words were). Looking back I’m sure my mom got a kick out of these impromptu concerts and from these concerts we realized two things Dela could sing and well I couldn’t and my mom signed up to join the children’s choir at church. Although choir rehearsals and church service had its own drama, Sade allowed Dela and me to be and even feel like divas even if our diva-hood was confined to our bedroom at 71 Center Street.

Spandau Ballet - I'll Fly For You

I discovered this song while working late. I was listening but mostly watching 80’s videos on You Tube. One video in particular that played was True by Spandau Ballet. Growing up, I used to think it was a black guy who sang the song and was surprised to find out that it was a white guy. Tony Hadley was so unsuspecting to embody such a soulful voice. After the True video was done a set of other Spandau Ballet videos popped onto the screen. One of them was Tony Hadley in a boat rowing against a pink and blue splattered background. I clicked on it and as I listened to the song feelings I’d been ignoring start bubbling up. For one thing, I noticed that a young Tony Hadley reminded me of J, a guy I’ve known for a while. J and I had an amazing night during the summer. A night of drinks and a conversation that lead to a very startling (and flattering) confession, he confessed that he’d had a crush on me for some time. I was floored. Like W (another guy who confessed to having a crush on me) J was in my mind unattainable. A guy that definitely wouldn’t look twice at me. Plus J, totally reminded of a cross between Tony Hadley and Brian Ferry. Like the two sophsti-sexy Brits, J looked broodingly sexy in a suit.

The song I’ll Fly For You is about longing which I am way too familiar with, and letting the person that you are longing for know that you’re willing to do anything to make it work. Maybe listening to this song put some words to how I was feeling about J’s revelation. Finally, I had some concrete affirmation that I am admired from afar or be on the other side of a crush. But the realization of the situation became so clear that even being the crush of someone could be heartbreaking. To know that to J I am unattainable (at least in his mind) and without going into much detail the reality of our situation didn’t make it possible. Once again bad timing was to blame for love (or at least the possibility of it) was lost. To quote from Nick Hornby’s book High Fidelity, “ What came first, the music or the misery? Did I listen to music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music?”

Even the pop music of Spandau Ballet can convey the frustration and the continuing paradox of my romantic life (or lack of). Even being on the other side of a crush was just as complicated and heartbreaking.

Altered Images - Happy Birthday (1981)

This weekend I celebrated my 35th birthday. Ten years ago, I thought at 35 I would have the husband and at least one kid but that is not the case. I have taken the creative journey and so instead of what I envisioned ten years ago I celebrate this birthday with the publication of my first creative piece. Although I'm 'in like' with someone I have yet to meet the man I want to call my husband and that is OK.

So, I am excited about what my 35th year will bring!

DONNA SUMMER - The Woman In Me (My 2011 Theme!!!!)

Usually hearing Donna Summer makes me think of my Uncle Glenn but this particular song brings me back to the summer of 1986. The summer my sister Dela and I were OBSESSED with Days of Our Lives. Patch and Kayla were the hot new couple and each weekday was planned around making sure we were in front of a television at 1PM EST to watch what new shenanigans were going on in Salem. That was also the summer I got boobs. Previous summers were spent going to Dunn Park for the free lunches and playing outside until we were dead-tired and staying at my grandma’s until my mom came home from work.

This summer Dela and I were assigned chores. We were old enough (and tall enough) to cook dinner, do laundry, and watch our younger siblings DW (Daniel) and Lelia. Taking them to the park every day and trying to get them back home before Days came on was a chore. But some how we managed to do it.

For awhile my mother thought that my sister and I were not able to tell that difference between what happens on TV to what my sister put it ‘Mommy we know its fake. Roman died and came back from the dead that doesn’t happen in real life.’ (Although I do find it interesting that ten years later Days repeat the Roman Brady/John Black/ Roman is not dead storyline. Now Roman is played by an actor that used to be Kayla, Roman’s sister’s, ex-boyfriend).

Even at nine and ten, we knew that real romance never unfolded the way the budding romance of Steve and Kayla. Not to say that we didn’t fantasize about what our first kiss would be like. We would imitate the soap stars by kissing the backs of our hands. One time my grandmother walked in our little ritual. At first we thought we were in trouble but she just smiled and later on relayed the story our mom who laughed out loud.

Now that I am older this song takes on a different meaning. At thirty-four, I now realize what Donna was singing about its been two years since I’ve had a boyfriend an year since my last sexual encounter was so perfect. Days before I received the news that one of my mentors had passed away she had just turned forty and I was still dealing with the death of my Uncle Adrian (who was five years older than me). The night of that encounter if only for a few moments took all that pain away. Every kiss, touch reminded me that I was a beautiful desirable woman. The sex was good but what really made it memorable was for the first time in a long time someone wanted to take care of me, make me feel good and let me know verbally and physically how much he ‘appreciated’ me.