The Cure’s Disintegration album was my initial introduction to the group. It was one of the albums that defined my sophomore year of high school. I used to fall asleep to this album. Back then (even now) the opening notes for this song hits me with a tidal wave of emotions. My past teen angst, all the unrequited crushes, and nostalgic regret come rushing back when I hear this song. One particular unrequited crush comes to mind J, he was this tall, lanky, red headed guy I met in band class. He played tuba and the sousaphone. I forget how we started hanging out but every night we would talk on the phone, mostly about band sometimes we listened to the local alternative station 95.5 WBRU and comment on the songs. When he got his license and his four door powder blue Renault or what many deemed ‘his shitbox of a car’ I was granted eternal shotgun which lead to many nights just driving around the city, going to the movies, and hanging out with other people from band. Looking back I think everyone knew I liked J but the way I saw it I was this chunky, black girl who loved rock music and gave him advice I could never picture him liking me. I was already in the friend role anyway. I helped him ask his dream girl out. This girl was in many of my classes and even helped him graduate from high school. I kept hoping that all these good deeds would show him how much I cared maybe get him to ask me out. It never happened.
However, he did take me to see Sade. It was the year the Love Deluxe album came out and he knew I was big fan. He also knew how pissed off I was about him almost not graduating and being a lousy friend. The night he brought the tickets he drove to my house to tell me. I had gone to bed early and my brother let him in and told him I was upstairs. I was in my bed dozing off and felt someone sit on my bed. At first I thought it was my sister so I rolled over quickly to push her off. (She had a habit of trying to go through my things while I was sleeping). But before I could say anything J laid across the bed.
“I got us tickets to see Sade,” he said. I remember his face was so close to mine he could’ve kissed me instead he scared the shit out of me and I screamed.
“Why are you in my room?”
He responded that my brother let him in. On the outside, I looked angry but inside I was melting.
We went to the concert and were surrounded by couples. We had lawn seats at Great Woods and J laid back on the grass and closed his eyes and listened to the music. Looking at him, I kept contemplating on what it would be like to kiss him but my fear of rejection took over and I just sat on the grass, legs crossed, and watch the show. When he drove me home we spoke about the show and not much else. With his car parked in front of my house, we were facing each other talking. He thanked me for helping him graduate. I smiled. In hindsight, I wish I would’ve just leaned in and kissed him but I didn’t. I told him I was glad we were friends and we should hang out tomorrow, exited the car, and disappeared into the house.
Last I heard J was married and still lives in New England. Every now and then I wonder what would have happened that night. I wonder if J ever had a crush on me. All that comes rushing back, when I hear Plainsong, hell the whole Disintegration album. It’s amazing that music is not only moving but it’s also a time capsule of memories.
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